Separating without destroying yourself
From my point of view, people often enter a relationship with an idea of who or what the other person is to them. As time passes, each person starts to see that the other is not what s/he had thought they were. In order to make the relationship work, each starts to give up parts of themselves that they believe will make the relationship work. This, unfortunately, is the beginning of the destruction. The longer you're in relationship with this person, the more you give up of yourself. Eventually, one party in the relationship realises that the person they are with no longer represents that ideal (which was set up in the beginning) and wishes to separate.
The one who had given up themselves for the other, is left wondering what happened as they had done so much to make the relationship work. They had given up so much of themselves. This is where the issues lies - they had given up so much of themselves. They are no longer the person that the other originally began the relationship with. In worst case scenarios, the person simply does not exist anymore, they are simply a body with no being.
There are really two things occurring here:
- the original ideal that was set up in the beginning was not actually real, it was an illusion or fantasy
- one or both have given themselves up and they no longer exist
When the separation occurs, one person is normally (but not always) left in a state of despair. If there are children involved, things can get really messy. One partner sometimes tries to turn the children against the other. The children, loving both parents, are left in the middle not knowing what to do. Of course, there are exceptions.
The one who was "dumped" can sometimes go down a path of self-destruction. They start to drink, do drugs, have unsafe sex and all manner of other things. Their own self-judgment becomes something that they enjoy as they can begin to believe that their ex-partner was correct.
The real issue, from my point of view, is that they had given up themselves so much that they now have no idea who they are or what they are.
What if you could recognise what was happening early and make some changes? What if those changes simply meant changing your point of view about yourself? What if you didn't need to give up yourself to make the relationship work?
As for me, I was one of those person's that gave up themselves to make a relationship work. My wife, Eri, was also one of those people. Having gotten together only five years ago and being willing to change things in the relationship, change things about ourselves without giving ourselves up, and being willing to truly care and nurture the other has allowed our relationship to change, flourish, and move into something that works for us.
